| Category | Rating |
|---|
| Pay | 0 |
| Respect | 0 |
| Benefits | 0 |
| Job Security | 0 |
| Work/Life Balance | 0 |
| Career Potential/Growth | 0 |
| Location | 0 |
| Co-worker Competence | 0 |
| Work Environment | 0 |
I didn't use any of the ratings since they don't really mean much. I'd like to take a different, more comical look into Cerner. Let's begin:
First off, I'd like to point out that while Neal ssspendsss more time in tanning booth than working on his ssspeechesss he'sss a pretty good bussssinesss man. You don't build a company like that while being incompetent. That doesn't mean I have to like the guy though.
The Velocity program; good idea, terrible execution. If they would just be upfront with the incoming Velocity participants it wouldn't be such a farce. Just tell us that you're keeping us in training until you can use us to fill attrition. They spew all this tripe about weighing your strengths and weaknesses during training to help place you in a position that suits your abilities. All they do is wait until someone gets fired or quits and then they place you in that vacated cube. At least if they told you that you wouldn't be so disillusioned for five weeks when your T-cells finally expel the last of the brainwashing fluid they shovel down your throat at Riverport.
I mean, if they are actually weighing your strengths and weaknesses then how do they explain how one Velocity consultant gets placed in a phone support job and another becomes the personal assistant to the number four guy in the company? Is there a checklist for strengths that accounts for blonde hair and looks good in Forever 21 jeans? Oh well, even if she didn't get that job on merit alone she'll still be fine. I mean, she might sleep with the right guy and become Director of the First Hand Foundation...
Anyone seen the Cerner 20th Anniversary book? There's a picture of Don Vito in there when he was about 3 first graders skinnier. Guess that's what being on the Cabinet DL will do to your waistline.
Speaking of waistlines, how about that HR Department? That's kind of a facetious statement considering they don't really exist. There's a reason that the HR Org is included in each layoff. A lot of it is just incompetence, but it's partly because they just bring in family and friends to work there. Basically they create positions because they know/related to someone who is "hurting for a job in this economy". Qualifications? Who needs 'em anyways!?! Just send out a jeans day email! That will shut them up.
That's actually the only thing I've ever received from the HR Department; a jean's day email every 4 months. It's pretty disconcerting that being able to wear jeans once every 120 days is considered the greatest reprieve they can offer to us.
HR - "The natives are growing restless. A mutiny is afoot. The sock hop at Connections didn't work since everyone that came is already married to a Cerner person anyways! What ever will we do!?!?.....I know....jeans day." "BRILLIANT!!! EXCELSIOR!"
My Outlook Inbox - "Oh. My. God.....a jeans day. I wish it was jeans day right now so I could go home and change into them because the excitement of being allowed to wear denim has caused me to mess my Cerner standard dress khakis."
People always complain about not getting to see their families because Cerner works them too hard. I'm not sure if I believe that statement considering about half of the company is either blood related, married, or at least sleeping with each other. I mean, just enjoy a cool mocha latte at Mr. Illig's own Cliff's Cafe that is, point proven, until recently run by Neal's daughter, a blood relative. Cerner wants you to be with your family, there's no doubt about that. They just don't like you marrying outside the company. People were almost shocked when I told them my significant other didn't also work at Cerner. They told me I'd have to get to a Beer Friday as fast as I could to at least find someone at Cerner to cheat on her with!
You know what's funny? They block this site specifically while you are on campus. It doesn't fall under any of the genre restrictions like sexual content or anything. They just block it specifically. I'm assuming Townsend (Vito) made that call.
Just as a side note, people make up their hours on their time sheets. It's actually pretty sad considering that's part of the equation during review period on who gets raises. It's atrocious what people record as 'work done'. People will log work hours when they open their laptop on Sunday to change their Twitter feed to "Transforming Healthcare per my direct report so that I can escalate the issue of the fire drill and create a good show by killing a snake. Better touch base with the other associates. Remember to bring your devices!"
Either way, I'm so happy that when someone asks me at the bar if I work for Cerner too I can say, "No. Never have."
Work there if you want to meet some of the most awful human beings and then get married to one of them though. Then you can go around telling people you work for Cerner and wait for them to say, "Oh yeah? That's a great place to work," and then just reply, "Yeah, that's what I hear."